As reported in The Onion
If you put John Kerry and me in the White House, we'll have each one of you in the driver's seat of a brand-new SUV. Your bosses will be less cranky, your children will be kept in trucker hats and iPods, and your TV screens will grow even wider. Those who are bald will wake up one morning and magically find themselves with thick heads of luxurious, silky hair. You'll open your refrigerators and 15-pound hams will tumble out. Your dog might even start to talk, and the first thing he'll say is "I love you." It'll be that good.... Just know that, should you elect John Kerry, we'll be able to bounce a goddamn quarter off our border! We'll have big impenetrable gates made of gumdrops and, I don't know, gold....And they'll magically slide open when someone pure of heart approaches and says, "Let me back in, America! My Caribbean cruise was nice, but there's no place like home!"
Oh, that reminds me! God bless our troops in Iraq! They have served America bravely and well. If elected, John Kerry and I will work with the international community to rid the world of terrorism. In fact, come next Christmas, our young men and women will be back home, wearing bright red sweaters with reindeer and bells on the front. That might seem like an impossibly tall order, but just a few years ago, I was an unknown trial lawyer. Now, I'm running for the second-highest office in this great land! I'm smiling so wide, the top of my head might fall off!
Posted by Dexter at October 13, 2004 04:59 PM